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“Letting everything end means to stand in the moment completely naked of attachment to any and all ideas, concepts, hopes, preferences, and experiences. Simply put, it means to stop strategizing, controlling, manipulating, and running away from yourself — and to simply be. Finally you must let everything end and be still. In letting everything end, all seeking and striving stops. All effort to be someone or to find some extraordinary state of being ceases. This ceasing is essential. It is true spiritual maturity. By ceasing to follow the mind’s tendency to always want ‘more’, ‘different’, or ‘better’, one encounters the opportunity to be still. In being still, a perspective is revealed which is free from all ignorance and bondage to suffering.”

~Adyashanti

It was toward the end of 2000 – I survived the great tech Y2K scare. For those of you who might not know the Y2K scare – it was the idea that the past computer code only used two digits for the year. 80,94,99 etc.. The big question was what would happen, to code that wasn’t changed to use 4 digits. Of course the media hyped it up.

However, at that time the dot-com bubbles have started popping. I was around 25 – 26.

I found myself without a job, which is what I thought defined who I was. The job market for tech people was not strong at that time, so finding something new was not easy to come by with a flooded market.

Not only that but I had ended a long term relationship shortly before the entire ship started sinking. To add the icing to the cake – I jumped quickly into another relationship that I wasn’t ready for, nor was it one that was right for me.

Putting that down in words, doesn’t seem like much. But when you think you lost your identity and no one wants to hire you – throw in a toxic relationship on top of that – you end up with one big pile of stinky mess.

That mess was me walking around trying to tell myself that everything is alright.

When I am thinking, so how are you going to make the house payment, how are you going to make the car payment. What if you have to take a job paying half of what you made before, what if.. What if.. You can’t sleep at night because you are thinking about those things. Add in the toxic relationship, where you are told, what is the issue, normal people can get a job, lets not talk about your problems…

And to be clear, I take full responsible for the toxic relationship. It was one of the most, while not at the time, growing experiences of my life.

The Rave That Changed My Life

So, no job, little money coming in, what does one do… But of course go to a rave in DC.

Why not – makes perfect logical sense. Oh yeah, and take the toxic relationship (referred to as TR from here on) with you. 🙂 Sounds like the makings of a fun time.

Let’s stop there and go back. Before this, I would describe myself as anti-drug. I mean, I could count the times I tried cannabis on two figures, maybe more like 1 and 1/2 finger.

After all those who do drugs are pot heads, you don’t want to be a pot head. You got things you need to get after in life.. Drugs just get in the way.

Couple that in with the stories you hear. Well, I just said no to drugs… up to that point.

How it happened, TR and I went to see some friends before the Rave, pre-party I guess you can say, who were also in town. I don’t really know how it happened, but the option can up to get some MDMA (Ecstasy).

It was from this guy, I will just call him Steve. Who was a trusted source – emphasize on the phrase trusted source. It wasn’t a person in the back street alley, nothing shady, it was a person everybody trusted. As I was told – if Steve said it is good… It is good.

So, I took my first MDMA dose. I remember TR making a comment that I was like a reed in the wind, being against drugs, now trying them. Whatever. (she was no angel either)

We arrive at the rave, and mind you this is not a small rave, but two stories, plenty of space and lots of people. After being there for about an hour I started to feel – different. I was a little nervous at first, from the thoughts of what is happening. Is this normal?

I felt this surge of heat travel down my spine. Like engery being infused in me.

It was like the weight of the world has been lifted.

And then it happened. I slipped into a state, that I could only describe as well being.

These problems I thought I had that I was carrying around with me, just dropped. I was at total peace. What was more fun was being able to look at these issues, from a completely different point of view. A view of complete detachment.

What I came away with was that the answers to the problems we seek are within us. It is not on the outside. Not from somebody else, but within. We just have to trust in ourselves and go though a process of uncovering to get to the answers.

We are on some path – this path curves, dips, climbs, and zig zags. At times we can’t see what is ahead of us. That is the mystery and beauty of it. Where we are now – is what is important, not what could, might come.

In closing…

Soon after that I broke it off with TR. Things just continued to unfold, and I found a job. Funny how things work out.

That was my first time and last time doing MDMA. Would I do it again – yes – from a trusted source.

It wasn’t until 2019 that I started exploring psychedelics. And that is where we will pickup.


Self-Sovereignty Through Spiritual Empowerment


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